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The Gazette

of the North American Hockey League
Being a Faithful Record of Fantasy Hockey Affairs
Monday Edition, October 12, 2026Official Organ of the N.A.H.L.Price: One Waiver Claim

London Lays Siege to Hamilton; Regina Rehires Its Own Castoffs

Final figures for Period 2, October 5 through October 11. Four clubs cleared 120 points, one of them lost, and the Regina front office wore out a perfectly good rubber stamp.

1920s flash photograph of hockey players carrying a teammate on their shoulders while a beaten goalie slumps by the boards
London's 132 points, carried off the ice on the shoulders of men who could not quite believe it either. The fellow by the boards has asked to be photographed from his good side, which is currently face down.

The Week That Was: A Full Accounting

London Knights. They put up 132.0, the best score in the league, and flattened Hamilton by 56.75. Tim Stutzle led with 28.25, William Nylander added 24.5, and Carter Hart chipped in 19.75 from the crease. Last week the Knights were a suit of armour with nobody inside. This week somebody climbed in, lowered the visor, and charged.

Hamilton Five Hole. They scored 75.25 and lost by the widest margin of the week. Quinn Hughes led with 15, Mitchell Marner added 11.5, and Clayton Keller 9.25, after which the trail goes cold and the bloodhounds lie down. Management swapped Dan Vladar for Devon Levi in goal on Thursday, which suggests the front office has at last read its own team name and taken it personally.

Halifax Hurricanes. They scored 129.0, the second-best total in the league, and beat Summerside by 6.25. Logan Stankoven led with 22.75, Mikko Rantanen added 19.25, and Kirill Kaprizov 16.75. On Friday they trailed by 1.25. By Sunday night the weather bureau had given them a proper name and ordered every shutter in the Maritimes nailed shut.

Summerside Sea Dawgs. They scored 122.75, the fourth-best total in the league, enough to beat any of ten other clubs, and lost. Nick Schmaltz led with 15.75, Beckett Sennecke added 14.25, and Spencer Knight 12.75. The Sea Dawgs then thanked Knight for his service by releasing him in favor of Connor Hellebuyck, which in this league is what passes for a performance review.

Madison Millionaires. They scored 126.0, the third-best total in the league, and buried Weston by 34.5. Evan Bouchard led with 22.25 from the blue line, Jeremy Swayman added 21.5, and Jason Robertson 18.75. Last week's beige ribbon has been returned to the league office unopened. One footnote for the auditors: Alexis Lafreniere, released by Madison on September 30, scored 25.5 for Weston this week, while his replacement, Artturi Lehkonen, produced 0.5. Madison won anyway, which is precisely what money is for.

Weston Steamrollers. They scored 91.5 and lost by 34.5, and now sit 0-2 with 247.75 points against, the most in the league. Lafreniere, the Madison castoff, led with 25.5, Connor McDavid added 15.25, and Miro Heiskanen 12.75. The club's best player this week was a hand-me-down from the team that beat them, which is a bit like being run over by your own lawnmower after lending it to the neighbor.

Grimsby Guzzlers. They beat Oakville 119.5 to 113.5 and sit 2-0 atop the standings. Brandon Hagel led with 24.25, Mark Stone added 19.5, and Nikita Kucherov 16.75. Down 15.25 on Friday afternoon, the Guzzlers simply kept drinking through the weekend and have ordered another round for the house, to be billed to Oakville.

Oakville Acorns. They scored 113.5, a total that beats most clubs on most weeks, and lost by 6. Andrei Svechnikov led with 22.5, Jack Eichel added 22, and Logan Thompson 18.5. Oakville led by 15.25 on Friday and slipped from first in the standings to sixth by Sunday. A squirrel got into the pantry over the weekend, and it was wearing a Grimsby sweater.

Ancaster Avalanche. They beat North York 106.5 to 95.25 and join Grimsby at 2-0. Shayne Gostisbehere led the whole league's defensemen with 23, Nathan MacKinnon added 16.75, and Brandon Bussi 14. On Friday the Avalanche trailed 71.5 to 49.25. The snow was late, but it arrived all at once, and North York's pudding is now somewhere at the bottom of the valley.

North York Shire Pudding. They scored 95.25 and lost. Jake Oettinger posted 31.75, the best single score in the entire league and this week's Player of the Week, and it bought them precisely nothing. Cale Makar added 17.25 and Tom Wilson 15. North York has the finest goaltender in the land and the record of a club that does not, and the pudding is starting to look a little runny.

Milton Maniacs. They beat Spryfield 106.25 to 105.25, a margin of one point. Auston Matthews led every forward in the league with 29.75, and Linus Ullmark added 26 in goal. Mikhail Sergachev chipped in 13.25. One point is the width of a hatpin, and the Maniacs celebrated as though it were the Stanley Cup, which is the correct response.

Spryfield Winning Streaks. They scored 105.25 and lost by a single point. Sebastian Aho led with 26, David Pastrnak added 17.5, and Jared McCann 13.25. Spryfield still leads the entire league in points scored with 227.0, and sits third in the standings at 1-1. The streak lasted exactly one week, which the club insists is technically still a streak if you squint and do not ask follow-up questions.

Brudenell Black Hawks. They beat Regina 74.75 to 50.5. Sean Walker led with 18.75, Andrei Vasilevskiy added 14.5, and Mika Zibanejad 12. Brudenell won with the second-lowest score in the league, a feat that requires either genius or Regina. They chose Regina, and the Black Hawks are 1-1 and walking with a certain swagger nobody can explain.

Regina Grizzlies. They scored 50.5, the lowest total in the league by 24.25, and are 0-2. Wyatt Johnston led with 11.25, Jared Spurgeon added 11, and John Marino 8.75. Regina made eight transactions this week. They dropped Marino on Friday and claimed him back off waivers on Sunday. They dropped Tony DeAngelo on Monday and re-signed him Saturday night by releasing Louis Crevier, who had been a Grizzly for about twenty-nine hours. Somewhere in Regina a man is hiring himself back for the third time this month.

Strange but True

Believe It or Don't!

Circus Elephant Escapes Big Top, Plays Defense; Nobody Gets Past, Ice Does Not Survive

An elephant in a striped hockey sweater on the blue line with players sprawled around it

A travelling circus lost track of its star attraction Saturday, and the beast turned up during the second period at the local rink, picked up a stick with its trunk, and set up shop on the blue line. Seventeen forwards attempted to get past. Eleven are recovering at the county hospital, three are still in the snowbank, and the rest have taken up farming. The referee ruled it "a defenseman of unusual girth" and allowed the goal it scored by sitting on the puck. Hamilton has inquired about acquiring it, chiefly to stand in front of their net. Weston offered peanuts, which were accepted, and then the elephant ate the contract.

Strange but True!

Man Thawed From Glacier After Thirty Years; First Words: "Is My Waiver Claim Through?"

Scientists chipping a frozen hockey player out of a block of ice while one slips on the floor

Scientists at a northern laboratory have chipped a hockey player out of a block of glacier ice, where he had been frozen mid-stride since the winter of 1896. His first act on thawing was to demand a line change. His second was to ask after a waiver claim he placed that winter, which the league office confirms is still processing. One professor slipped on the meltwater, slid clean through the furnace room door, and has not been seen since. The thawed man has already been signed by Regina, released, and signed again, all before lunch.

1920s flash photograph of a player returning to a locker room with a suitcase while teammates stare
John Marino returns to the Regina dressing room Sunday morning, having been away just long enough to get homesick. His teammates have asked him to stop bringing the suitcase, since he will need it again by Thursday.

Looking Ahead

1920s flash photograph of two captains shaking hands at center ice with the referee holding the puck
Madison and Spryfield shake hands before Period 3. Both captains counted their fingers afterward.

Period 3 opens today, and the headliner is Madison at Spryfield: the club that just scored 126 against the club that leads the league in points. The two unbeaten clubs take the road, Grimsby at Hamilton and Ancaster at Brudenell, and both hosts are hoping the schedule makers misplaced a decimal. Weston visits North York and Oettinger, Summerside visits London, Halifax calls on Milton, and Regina goes to Oakville with whatever roster is current at the time of printing.

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Closing Jab

Two clubs unbeaten, two clubs winless, one elephant on waivers, and Regina still open for business under new management every afternoon. See you Friday, gentlemen.

A Message from the League President

Portrait of the League President
The Hon. League President, pictured on page four of Regina's transaction log, with three pages still to go.

FELLOW SPORTSMEN,

Period Two is in the books, and I am delighted to report that four clubs cleared 120 points. One of them lost. The Summerside Sea Dawgs are hereby awarded the league's first Certificate of Bad Timing, suitable for framing or for lining a birdcage.

To the North York Shire Pudding: your goaltender was the finest player in the league this week. Your record does not reflect this. Neither does the office's sympathy, which is fixed by statute at one nod.

To the Regina Grizzlies: the league welcomes back Mr. Marino and Mr. DeAngelo, both of whom were briefly unemployed and have asked that it not be discussed. Mr. Crevier, a Grizzly for twenty-nine hours, will receive a commemorative pin, which he may keep.

Yours in sport and administrative fatigue,
THE PRESIDENT
North American Hockey League